I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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