I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
