Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it's great music for shaving your balls
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
