I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
They are going to name an STD after you.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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