if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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