she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
