You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
now i know why i became what i already was.
Farmville is her only friend.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
