The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
