When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
