You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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