Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Randomize
