Just took my morning after pill in the library
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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