Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
