I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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