is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
