how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
