Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
