i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize