I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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