haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
