Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
