I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
