If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
last night I used snow as a chaser
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
