I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
