I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
