Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
