I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
