i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize