Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i would punch a child for taco bell
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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