I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I didn't notice because vodka
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
