And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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