Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
