the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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