If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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