When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
