dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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