hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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