Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
