i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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