I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
