I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
