I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
