...so i touched it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You made out with two different species that night
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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