Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
