I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So squirting runs in the family.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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