Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
