Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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