Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
