When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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