Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
