Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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