I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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