i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
