I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
