and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
