If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
