Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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