i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
